he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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