You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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