You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
