my mouth tastes like poor choices
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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