Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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