she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
