she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize