I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
