I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the day after is always just damage control
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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