Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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