i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
