I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
