yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
