Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
