well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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