scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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