hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
