Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
