you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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