So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
