dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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