I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
