i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
