If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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