We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
