You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
