I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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