How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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