anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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