shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
