Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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