I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
