It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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