too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
