so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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