My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face