My friends, they love my intelligence
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.