I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
