I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
