I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
