i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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