Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
