what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
