she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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