Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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