3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
