Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
