Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
