On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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