Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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