I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
