he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
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I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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