All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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