yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Vodka?
Forever.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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