Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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