I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
