I need to stop coming to work sober
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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