I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
