Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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