I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
