it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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