Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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