His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
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Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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