I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
